Roll up, roll up – Insensitive Editing Service!

Gratuitous Sex

This YA story gave ‘Sensitivity Reading’ a boost. Having baddies with dark skins raised a storm of protest.

On the basis that no publicity is bad publicity, the insensitive version generated masses of visibility. I am therefore launching an Insensitivity Editing Service. For £500 I will take your manuscript and litter it with casual racism, misogyny, gratuitous pornography and acrostics claiming that sex with vacuum cleaners sucks.

Creative Sales Techniques

Selling systematically is a numbers game. The first stage is prospecting, identifying possible customers, and you funnel your prospects through successively finer sieves until customers drop out the bottom.

As a book cover designer, your prospects are authors. Those who are currently looking for a cover are a small, hard-to-identify sub-set, and they may be perfectly happy with whoever designed their last cover.

On the other hand, authors who already have book covers are all who have published, and they are easy to find.

If you can persuade an existing author that their current covers are unsatisfactory, you both gain credibility from identifying the problem and you’re on the inside track to sell a solution, possibly for multiple books in one go.

So, you slag off all authors’ covers at every opportunity.

This approach is termed Provocation-based Selling, and it is touted as the panacea for economic downturns. On occasion, I’ve wondered about its applicability to book peddling. For instance:

“You don’t want to waste your time on that Charles Dickens. He believed in spontaneous human combustion. And he’s spent most of the last 150 years stone dead!”

Should you find yourself the recipient of such an approach, you should consider yourself no more favoured than were ‘The widow of the late General Sani Abacha’ to drop a request in your in-box for your help getting her husband’s ill-gotten gains out of Nigeria in return for untold riches.

Introducing Robo-review

Public Service Announcement
It is a truth universally acknowledged that published writers crave readers, and it is almost as widely accepted that four and five star book reviews aid their acquisition. Whilst it is customary for reviewers to be drawn from the ranks of previous readers, this imposes an artificial and wholly unnecessary constraint on review production. For example, when my seminal work, The Spirit Of The Age was first published, it had but a single review on-line, and I’d written it myself (with Goodreads’ blessing, I should add. I registered the book and it insisted I reviewed it).

Elsewhere on the Internet plagiarism has been re-branded as ‘Mash-up’ and the voice of experience is under attack e.g. Michael Gove’s “The British People have had enough of experts”, the climate-change deniers and the credence given by many to ‘anti-vaxxers’. Why should literary reviews be any different? Thus I offer the following ‘fill-in the blanks’ generic 5 star review as a public service to writers, independent or otherwise, everywhere. Wannabe reviewers, disseminate it further as your own work with my blessing!

A New Star Has Risen In The Firmament – 5 out of 5 stars

(Choose author, e.g. David Melville Edwards (first,latest) novel (insert name of novel and link to buy here) takes the (choose most appropriate genre based on jacket blurb, e.g. fish out of water, urban fantasy, magical realism, gritty police procedural, paranormal romance, comedy of manners, erotic romance) genre and turns it on its head. Likeable characters, taut writing and tight plotting kept me turning pages, living vicariously through their triumphs and disasters. I laughed out loud at some of their antics and the scenarios, then I cried when (tragedy struck, or choose an invented scenario using character names from the jacket blurb; remember, neither you nor the future reader have yet read the book). Make no mistake, this book has an edge.

I loved (delete according to taste: Harry Potter, Twilight Saga, Peter Grant, Cancer Ward, War and Peace) and feel sure that this book will appeal to other fans. Highly recommended!